Although I have no evidence, I think Christine Blasey Ford may have been telling the truth in the hearing when she said Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, not yet an adult, had assaulted her. My guess is he had too much to drink, did what she said, but did not mean to cause any hurt and would not have hurt her had they continued. But even if Kavanaugh admitted it, I do not think he should be impeached, because I myself did stuff 30 years ago that is not a fair representation of who I am today.

I am not a Republican or a Democrat (but voted for Bernie Sanders).

In my first memoir, Forgiving Troy (the subject of the CBS NEWS clip above), about the complicated journey to forgive my paranoid schizophrenic brother for killing our mom, I shared everyone’s full histories, and could not hide my own incriminating secret. About 30 years ago, the same time Troy killed mom, I abused a pet monkey.

Abu was a small rhesus monkey who bonded with my lover, not me, and was afraid of me for no reason— maybe it was my frenetic, fast-paced, busy energy. Rarely did he let me hold him. Long story short, in an attempt to stop his screaming when I approached him, I held him under the bathroom faucet. But this did not teach him to not scream, in fact, he screamed louder. I held him under until he shut up — but it was only because he was practically lifeless and nearly drowned. Not long after, my ex moved out, taking Abu, and leaving me with bottomless guilt and regret. How could I treat another being like that?

That is my darkest memory, and the worst I can be. Feeling so remorseful and ashamed, I have since become an advocate for animal welfare and a vegetarian (10+ years) and even a vegan (4 years). I literally would not even hurt a fly today (I gently coerce flies and bees and spiders out of my house).

What if I was up for a job at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and monkey Abu was called in as a witness to help decide if I got the job? Would it be fair to have that position denied to me because of something horrific I did 30 years ago that does not represent the man I am today?

Would it be fair for a panel to decide if I should be allowed more pets after I abused one in the 1980's? I have been a great dad to my four dogs since (3 rescues), never abused them in the slightest.

But my patience was tested last month…

My two present rescue dogs, little David and big Goliath, are my sons/kids/loves/family. Even though I am vegan, I buy them meat and bones (and yes, feel greatly conflicted about this. Maybe I won’t buy them meat in the future. Not sure yet. I am still evolving.)

In the forest of Lake Arrowhead I rent a lodge home (since I am no longer playing Phillip Chancellor III on The Young and the Restless but painting portraits for a living). In the warm summer months, the dogs and I lay on the upper deck as the sun goes down. We each have a mattress and blankets. I listen to inspirational YouTube videos, look up at the stars and hand them each their big nightly treat — a bone from the local market. 50lb Goliath takes his to the deck corner, but 14lb David inches as close as he can to me because he loves it when I pretend to take his bone away. His little tail wags as my fingers tip-toe near him. This summer he learned to growl, and he seemed so proud of it, so I supported his growling by teasing him more. His growling increased the more he devoured his bones, and his tail wagged faster the more I teased him about taking them away. It was such a fun game we played... I thought — until he bit my face.

Recently he surprised me and attacked my nose, breaking skin in two places, because I was pretending to take his bone. “How stupid are you?! I wanted to scream, “I don’t even eat meat!! Why the f*ck would I want your dog-saliva-ed bone — that I gave to you?!”

I forced him on his back, my blood dripping onto him. “No!,” I yelled (I am sure all my forest neighbors heard me). But I did not hit David, instead I hurled his bone angrily into the forest, and after I believed David knew what he did was not allowed, I let him go inside to his safe bed to rethink his actions.

People change. I have changed. Years ago I would have punished him by hitting him.

Will the American public think I am disgusting for almost killing an animal thirty years ago though they kill a million animals each hour and eat them?

Should a job fire YOU today for something you did 30 years ago? For something you did as a kid?

Readers of Forgiving Troy (a recent subject in an Evil Lives Here episode: “The Soap Star’s Secret”) did not shame me for revealing that monkey-abusing event; they supported me and respected my honesty and accountability.

Maybe someone is thinking, “If you say Kavanaugh should get away with it, do you think Troy should be let out of prison? He was only 19 when he killed your mom three decades ago.”

No, the difference is Kavanaugh has had decades of experience to change his behavior around women, and has. I have had decades of experience to change my behavior around animals, and have. But incarcerated schizophrenic Troy has had no access to weapons and has had zero experience to change his behavior around possible victims.

November 1 is the release of my new memoir, Young, Gay & Restless: My Scandalous On-Screen & Off-Screen Sexual Liberations, and as is my over-share nature, in it I divulge all my embarrassing sexual events. From chapter 41: “Money was a huge reason I ventured on publishing this sex book; I have bills and rent to pay. A vast majority of celebrities would turn down millions of dollars to expose they’d [deleted] on a girl’s shrimp, had sex for a waiter job, was sexually assaulted by a bar boss and an L.A. photographer, was tied-up and[deleted] in the basement of Mr. International Leather, had fat injected in their [deleted], waved their [deleted] at a hot-tubbing soap opera fan, stuffed their [deleted] in a beer cup of a first date at a party, frequented free clinics for [deleted] and [deleted], engaged in [deleted] sex and [deleted], masturbated to their [deleted] and beat off daily to [deleted] porn.”

Although I share embarrassing events in both memoirs, I do not feel bad or seek forgiveness for any of the reveals in Young, Gay & Restless. I am amused by them — except the sexual assaults which I have basically always ignored.

I actually relate to some of the Cosby accusers because after a photographer drugged and sexually assaulted me at 21, I did not go to the police. After pulling myself together, a few days later I saw him again for the free photos he promised would help my career (vowing to be careful never to take a pill or drink from him again).

Some ask why I do not name or turn this photographer in to the police now? Because he assaulted me 35 years ago. I have changed so incredibly much from who I was 35 years ago — from who I was 20 years ago — from who I was 10 years ago — from who I was 5 years ago. I have no idea who he is today. If he was nominated to the Supreme Court, would I testify against him?

Would you?

I would not — unless I had evidence that he was presently sexually assaulting people. Then I would offer my 35 year-old account and say, “me too.”

(Book and painting info at www.ThomBierdz.com)

One of Medium’s TOP ART CONTRIBUTORs, award-winning author, actor, film-maker, painter. 10 new books (6 volumes of art). President of www.americanartawards.com

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